As a child I wasn’t much of an introvert. Gathering from the faint memories, I am quite sure of it. The change happened amidst the process of growing up, learning how to take up responsibilities, the pressure of maintaining grades, trying to be better at basketball and ping pong, to not sweat during extempores, learning how to sit like a lady, and all things similar. Then came the days of running back to my room, immediately after classes got over. I have been well aware of my reclusive side only in the last few years, the side that seems to only grow stronger. It’s amusing how once in the rarest of the blue moons, without any external push, I like to dress up and look forward to seeing the outside world, it’s blinding bright lights and overpowering loud noise. Most of the other times, I move from one corner of my house to another, trying to focus, bring my thoughts into reality. Living under the rock, showing utter disinterest in the happenings and events outside the walls of my abode, such a behaviour, of course is contradictory to the field that I work in. But I find myself rather happy jotting down the plans which might take longer to come in shape than it should, instead of being a part of a gathering that teaches almost close to nothing.
Thanks to the whimsical world of the internet, you cannot help but know of the whereabouts of people and affairs from all around the globe. And then comes the freedom of sitting behind the screen and judging and criticising. Not quite sure how and why, a wrong or a good deed by an individual or a large group, gets me overwhelmed. Might have something to do with my parents who too are very touchy. *sigh* Reading about these heart wrenching incidents in our very own country or a country miles away, I sit in my peaceful balcony wondering *without trying to sound like a granny*, exactly when and how times changed. Exactly when did it become to easy to pull someone down with absurd accusations. When did it become so easy to force yourself upon someone, verbally or physically. When and how did we become so intolerable, that anyone who defies our ways, wrong to right, falls into a pit of hatred. Dark pit of hatred that’s enough to shake the person’s existence to the very core. I am not going to lie, I do spend some time reading comments on occurrences that come under the limelight. And after just a couple of seconds of scrolling down I feel ashamed, not sure of what, but yes, ashamed. Perhaps at the absolute brilliant ways of how people dissect a smallest piece of irrelevant matter, and ultimately end up into a verbal war, adding yet another pinch of distress into someone’s day. Ruining the point of the subject, by making it all revolve around color, caste, creed, religion etc. Even the simplest on the words stating nothing but honesty, could turn into a ball of fury. The same old story of ‘Boon or Bane’? The comfort of sitting cosy in a chair, one hand on the trackpad, second looking for the last piece of fries in the bowl (or god knows where), while you throw out your own frustration that has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself, at the very first thing that pops up on your social media page. Why? I, like many of you, wonder why. No one has an answer to the question here, for I don’t really know if it is one. Just a little glimpse of what I have been spending my time on, thinking.
Probably why many of us stay away from commenting or expressing freely at times. Probably why people etch things at the back of the public washroom doors and walls, torture the trees, by confessing their love or hatred on the trunk and the branches. And probably why I prefer to stay home or look for quiet spots like these, running away from the noises, inside and outside my head.
PS : I used eyeliner. After a long time.